Don't piss me off! I'll torch the place!

The following is a review I wrote for the film "Blood Hook" when I was 17. I love how angry and anti-hollywood I was. Enjoy.


TITLE:Blood Hook (1986)

DIRECTOR:Jim (MST3000) Mallon

WRITERS:Larry Edgerton and John Galligan

STARRING:Marc (Nicholas cage look-alike) Jacobs, Lisa Todd, Patrick Danz and Sara Hauser.

SUMMARY:It's time for the annual "Muskie Madness" fishing contest, and the lake is packed with hopeful fishermen. It soon becomes apparent, however, that a psychotic serial killer has also decided to join the festivities. Although the police have determined that the killer is claiming his victims by landing them with giant fishhooks, no clear suspects can be found since everyone is using the exact same hook! What is the killer's goal, and more importantly, can the murders be stopped?

DA DOWNLOW:I expected nothing from this film. I expected crap. Maybe worse. What I got from it was in many ways even less than I expected, but in others much more.
Let's get one thing straight. This is not a textbook-wise "good movie". This movie was not meant for the suffering minions of Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg. This movie will make no sense to someone who considers "Eight legged Freaks" a B-movie. No I suspect this movie would make no sense to them at all.
But to a select few of us, this movie makes perfect sense.
The acting, for the most part, is horrible. There are a few commendable performances, mainly by the elderly, but these are few.

THE STORY:
It's such a clone of every other horror film from the era that your so sickened by the first quarter that you're tempted to retreat altogether from this carnival of unintentional silliness. But don't because I promise those of you who I recommend this to a worthwhile experience.
Basically, there's a fishing tournament. People Die. People Screw. People Fish. People Die. People Fish. People Die.
By the fist half, you're starting to get the scheme of things, people go off alone, they die. If only the characters could figure this gruesom pattern out for themselves.

THE CAST:Awful,but maybe that's part of it. You actually enjoy a few characters deaths, sometimes even ( actually more often than not) ones that you are suppose to like. There's a hot, geeky chick that I have the hots for.......that's really about it.

THE GORE:Not really as much as you'd imagine, just a few tears at the neck and other areas. A bucket of guts is nicely held right in front of the camera. I will admit that the hook deaths do seem painful.

THE ROUND UP:If you liked "Friday the 13th" but thought it was too serious, too gory and lacked fishing you might like it. I enjoyed it fairly well.
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GORE RATING:3 chainsaws (out of 10)

ACTING RATING:4 chainsaws (out of 10)

STORY RATING:3 chainsaws (out of 10)

OVERALL RATING6 chainsaws (out of 10)



3/5 Members of our hero troop!


The other 2/5, but these are useless, except for laughs.


Gore!.......pretty much it for this one.


Van Morrison says: Respect the Lake!!!


My Crush


Her Ex


or.....maybe not


That's what ya get!

Fabio Testi....hero.

Truly an icon of cinema. No other man commands the blend of cool and certainty than Garda's favorite son. Upon viewing his filmography one is hit by not only the variety of roles, but also the genres. He's one of the few actors to strike it big in all of the big three Italian Genres of the 70s. He did Westerns, Giallo and Crime films with little or no hesitation. Seamlessly flowing from one to another. A true master of his occupation.

His dealings with Demofilo Fidani aside, his western roles were good. Dead Men Ride is a great example of mid era pasta and of course his participation in the masterpiece that is Four of the Apocalypse will forever have him embedded in the genre's history. He was always a rugged looking character and his unmatched mix of ruggedness and class played perfectly in the Spaghetti Western form.

His Giallo performances were always inspired, but in relation to the genre he will always be identified with the classic sleaze fest What Have You Done to Solange? and for good reason. His performance as the ethically questionable Enrico Rosseni is wonderful.

But the genre he will always be known for is undoubtedly the Italian Crime film. His films with Enzo Castellari are among the most over the top entertaining of the genre. The Big Racket is practically the Italian Crime version of the Dirty Dozen. Again, his combination of toughness and class shine through like everything a cop or criminal should be in an Italian Crime Thriller.

All in all, the man doesn't know how to play a role half assed. A God among actors.

Tom Ortenberg is a Pussy

It's true. Welcome to the new blog.